Anyone who knows me and my love for sleep knows that this is such stretch!!!
But, on every cloud is a silver lining, this one is more live a thick silver band. So I got time to pray and meditate and what not and guess what? Writer's block got lifted!!! So excirred!!!
This morning I reflected and looked back on 2011. It has been quite a year for me!!!
2011 has been...THE BREAKING PROCESS <dramatic entrance >
2011 has been the most extreeme year ever. When I say extreeme, I mean extreeme highs and extreeme lows.
Never in my life have I been as broken as I was in 2011.
See this year began with heart break. Literally. On January 1, 2011 my heart was broken, by a man I had been in love with for 4 years!! A long time that was. I look back at the tears I cried that day and the pain I felt, I wonder how I made it through that period. That's a no-brainer really. Coz I Never would have made it without You ↑.
Oh but that was only the beginning had I known 2011 was gonna go the way it did, I woulda stayed locked up in my room all year in fear of what I was going to face.
Yet for all the hot tears that near burned holes in my pillow and
the sleepless nights, I had moments of pure joy and bliss. Moments where I saw
my dreams come true and my heart had peace and my soul knew bliss. Short (very
short, I’m talking seconds even) lived but worthwhile.
2011 has been a breaking
process experience. I lost what I consider everything. I lost love (twice),
lost friends, lost hope, got heart broken and watched my dreams take off beautifully
then crash and burn. As if that wasn’t enough, I landed a job I don’t like and missed
out on a great internship opportunity. But in this year, 2011, I found something I
treasure even more.
I found me.
I found me in Christ.
I began to look at me as the Father sees me. Seeing fully
everything that I am, yes imperfections and all, yet seeing past that to see
beauty untold. True, this sounds a tad bit cocky and vain, but the truth is, if
God sees the good in us, who are we to deny??
Having found me is amazing!! Even more amazing though is the fact
that God found me. In my broken and desperate state He found me. I was mad at
God!!! So mad for how the year was going, mad that He didn’t wave his magic
wand and fix everything, mad that He didn’t let things go my way. I played the
victim.
Then one night, all that changed. I was dealt the ultimate blow,
the kind that sends you crashing to the floor. My heart ached. I mean I felt
physical pain. I cried like a mother for her child who never was. Such pain I
had never known. And that night I knew no one and nothing could ease the pain
or heal the hurt, no one. That night, there was no anger. It’s like my mind and
heart understood, it was not God’s fault but only He could help. So I cried out
to Him. I wept; hot loaded tears burned trails down my cheeks and holes into my
pillow. I couldn’t even pray, so I lay in my bed, in the dark and uttered these
words “I need You. Help me, please take the pain away.” Then I let the tears
flow, and oh did they flow. For hours on end.
And then my Hero, He stepped in. He says in His word that the
sacrifices of a broken spirit and a contrite heart He will not despise.
That was afew months ago…
It hasn’t been all rosy but the last 5 months have been the best
I ever lived; yes, pain and all…because, God found me. Now I understand that
God is a healer, friend, father, lover, protector, provider, teacher…now I know
God to be everything; my everything.
Now He taught me about the breaking process, it was necessary,
very necessary. He found me, I accepted Him as Lord. I found me in Him; my
identity in Christ.
See I needed to go to the threshing floor; I needed to be separated
from the chaff. But it didn’t stop there. Just like myrrh is crushed to produce
its sweet scent, I needed to be brought under the grinding stone. And like the
seed planted into the ground, I needed to die first in order to grow and
produce fruit. Eleven months later and I have come to appreciate the breaking
process. Would I do it again?? Umm… J well you
see…but was it worth the pain? Absolutely!!!!
Now that 2011 is coming to a close, I have options to weigh and
figure out which path to take. I assume we all do. I could decide to hold on to
what was, sit in sack cloth and ash and mourn, because it seems easier to do
just that. I could let fear and uncertainty paralyze. I mean following 2011 I
certainly have the right to fear huh?? Or I could launch out, with faith as my
guide, not knowing my future but ready to take whatever comes my way.
So I dare to trust, I dare trust God. Did He not say He makes all
things new?? I know He don’t lie so I trust. He also told me to forget the
former things!! So you know what?! I’mma do just that!! I won’t dwell on the “has beens” in my life. I lay my past to
rest so that my future may live!
I will soar from here on out. Use every wind, wave and hurricane
to rise. Rise above mediocrity and past habits. Rise and grow in my faith. Rise
into maturity. No matter what comes my way, I will rise. The good book says all
things work together for the good of those the Lord and are called according to
His purpose. So from here on out I rise…
I will no longer ride on potential but will rise and let my
God-given ambition lead.
Forgive me, but I leave behind anyone who drags me down. Yes, I
refuse to get caught up in that kind of thing. I will no longer talk a good
game but live a foul game. If you’re not gonna rise, if you won’t put your
wings to use, be sure, I won’t carry you on my wings. Just like the eagle I
will soar, I’m sure you’ve noticed they’re usually on their own.
That’s me…that’s my future. What about you?
I am still in the process of becoming so I embrace it I embrace
my breaking process…the Potter broke me that He may mould me into perfection,
I’m not perfect so I know I’ll be back but His grace is sufficient for me. I
know my tribulation will bear fruit ~ Romans 5.
So I leave the threshing floor; I rise up from beneath the
grinder’s stone…the breaking process that has been 2011.
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